I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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