Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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