if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis