Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.