Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.