I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
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He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
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he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying