Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
