You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
