i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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