I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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