sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
