I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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