You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
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