He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Randomize
