What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You need a sexual gate keeper
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
