I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
