Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Randomize
