You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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