I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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