If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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