Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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