My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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