cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
