dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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