she was so not down for the gang bang
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize
