It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
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You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
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He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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