I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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