my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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