Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
