U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
