So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
