He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
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