As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
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