I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
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