So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
