I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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