oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
