I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
