My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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