Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
