drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Also, beer. Big fan.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
