I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Ha i know. My vag can't go too crazy for a boy halfway across the country. It doesn't have that good of range
he thought i was a dude.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
