Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
