How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Randomize
