U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
