So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
Randomize
