You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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