Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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