Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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