Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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