I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Those kids are glorified dude-bros. It's banal.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Haha dude youd die if you were here. Girl presenting is defending the new testament and did her report on JESUS. best believe i'm gonna ask some hungover, atheist ass questions
she looked like the before picture.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Randomize
