I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
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I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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