I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
