I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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