He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
