i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
