Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
