i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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