I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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