Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
50% drunk capacity currently
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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