So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize