God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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